The Wall

Straining Toward the Goal

Philippians 3:12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. 13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. 15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained.

17 Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.




I'm attempting to train for the Reed's Lake Triathlon. It's hard. Way hard. Those who run long distances often refer to "hitting the wall", the point at which you are so physically and mentally fatigued that you feel you cannot go on. Your shoes feel like lead weights. Your breathing is not measured but panting and gasping for oxygen. Sweat burns and stings your eyes. Your arms feel like Jell-O. You can't keep your head up, your eyes on the finish line, let alone the next square of cracked sidewalk. Snot clings to your face. Your lips are parched. It's grueling, gritty, ugly. At that point you ask yourself, "Why the hell am I doing this? The end is not worth the pain." Your hope is not to only finish, but that someone has been gracious enough to bring a shotgun to the Finish Line to put you out of your misery should you happen to survive long enough to cross it.

My training is a mirror image to my life. It's fair to say that I have hit The Wall this semester. Here is a brief recap of some of the "hills" of this stage of the race:

We have had to buy two new vehicles which has depleted our Emergency Fund. Pray for no Emergencies!

I took one of the hardest classes yet - Biology - and passed. Barely.

We have had 7 people living in our house at one time.

The company I work is cutting 2nd shift, so I have to work 1st (4:30am - 3:00pm). I am not that early of a morning person! This is okay until Fall and school resumes.

My financial aid has run its course and we must pay out-of-pocket for the remaining year: approximately $16,000. Couple this with the possibility of not working working full-time each semester (Fall - b/c of hours; Spring - b/c of Student teaching).

And none of this accounts for the spiritual element of my sin, ups and downs of marriage and parenting and various other relationships (which are fine, but have their moments), hating Weight Watchers (yeah, I'm trying to drop some lbs.), theological frustrations with church and America "Christianity", worldly concerns (though I'm thankful my cars were engineered and built in Japan!), ever-present cynicism at God, religion, politics, everything,etc.

I feel like David in the Psalms - trying to do the right thing and falling down further while it appears like the wicked are flourishing. One step forward, two steps back. I feel like throwing in the towel. The pain in my muscles, spiritual and physical, is too much to bear.

This passage from Philippians raises all sorts of questions and scenarios to consider. Paul did not consider himself perfect, but kept pressing on. Why? Because the Gospel mattered to him: "Because Christ Jesus has made me his own." How did he does this? Two ways. "Forgetting what lies behind" - wow, is that hard to do. Every time I feel I make progress, the past rears its ugly head and I'm reminded just how much I suck. At everything. Can I really forget that last "hill" I just climbed? And: "Straining forward to what lies ahead" - straining is hard when you're weary and worn out. What am I straining for? "The upward call of God in Christ Jesus". What is this upward call? "But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body". I Peter 3:18 says, "For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God." And back in the Philippians 3 passage, Paul tells the "mature" - those who are mature in the faith - "to think this way". Does this mean I'm not mature in my faith? Am I a spiritual rookie running his first 5k?

Paul frequently uses the imagery of running and physically training to encourage his readers to continue in the race and every time the source of his encouragement is the same: the Gospel. Philippians 3:16 says, "Only let us hold true to what we have attained." What have we attained? The Gospel! We have received the righteousness of Christ freely whereby God declares that we, the unrighteous, are in fact righteous! Christ has won the race! We are called to persevere and are able to do so because Christ has already accomplished everything on our behalf. And this he freely gives us if we humble ourselves to receive it.

No one told me the triathlon will be easy. But life isn't easy and we're never anywhere in Scripture told it would be. Jesus said that if anyone would follow him, they would have to take up their cross to do so. That cross is heavy and burdensome. Trials beset runners on all sides: shin splints and sin alike. But thanks be to God that Christ in all of his glory has won the race, a race we could never finish!

When God Wants a Man

WHEN GOD WANTS A MAN
(Anonymous)

When God wants to drill a man and thrill a man and skill a man...When God wants to mold a man to play the noblest part; When He yearns with all His heart to create so great and bold a man that all the world shall praise...Watch His methods; watch His ways!

How He ruthlessly perfects whom He royally elects...How He hammers him and hurts him, and with mighty blows converts him into frail shapes of clay that only God understands.

How His tortured heart is crying and he lifts beseeching hands...How He bends but never breaks when His good He undertakes. How He uses whom He chooses...with every purpose fuses him; by every art induces him to try His splendor out...God knows what He's about!

When God wants to take a man and shake a man and wake a man...When God wants to make a man to do the Future's will; He tries with all His skill...When He yearns with all His soul to create him large and whole...with what cunning He prepares him...how He goads and never spares him!

How He whets him and He frets him and in poverty begets him...How often He disappoints whom He sacredly anoints! With what wisdom He will hide him; never minding what betide him...Though His genius sob with slighting and His pride may not forget; Bids him struggle harder yet! Makes him lonely so that only God's high messages shall reach him...So that He may surely teach him what the hierarchy planned; And though he may not understand...gives him passions to command. How remorselessly He spurs him...with terrific ardor stirs him When He poignantly prefers him.

When God wants to name a man and fame a man and tame a man...When God wants to shame a man to do His Heavenly best; When He tries the highest test that His reckoning may bring...When He wants a god or king; How He reins him and restrains him so His body scarce contains him...While He fires him and inspires him…Keeps him yearning, every burning for that tantalizing goal. Lures and lacerates His soul...sets a challenge for His spirit; Draws it highest then he's near it! Makes a jungle that he clear it; makes a desert that he fear it...and subdue it, if he can -- so doth God make a man!

Then -- to test His spirit's wrath -- throw a mountain in His path; puts a bitter choice before him and relentlessly stands o'er him...Climb or perish, so He says...but watch His purpose, watch His ways. God's plan is wondrous kind -- could we understand His mind ?Fools are they who call His blind!

When His feet are torn and bleeding; yet His spirit mounts unheeding...blazing newer paths and finds; When the Force that is Divine leaps to challenge every failure, and His ardor still is sweet -- and love and hope are burning in the presence of defeat!
Lo the crisis, Lo the shouts that would call the leader out...When the people need salvation doth he rise to lead the nation; Then doth God show His plan...and the world has found a man!

A Fitting Song

Few songs could sum up my life as frequently as this one does.

Doubting Thomas

What will be left when I've drawn my last breath
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who've known me
Will I discover a soul-saving love
Or just the dirt above and below me

I'm a doubting Thomas
I took a promise
But I do not feel safe
Oh me of little faith

Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face
Then I beg to be spared cause I'm a coward
If there's a master of death
I bet he's holding his breath
As I show the blind and tell the deaf about his power

I'm a doubting Thomas
I can't keep my promises
Cause I don't know what's safe
Oh me of little faith

Can I be used to help others find truth
When I'm scared I'll find proof that it's a lie
Can I be led down a trail dropping bread crumbs
That prove I'm not ready to die

Please give me time to decipher the signs
Please forgive me for time that I've wasted

I'm a doubting Thomas
I'll take your promise
Though I know nothin's safe
Oh me of little faith

Folly

Matthew 27 (select verses): "Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the governor's headquarters, and they gathered the whole battalion before him. And they stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head and put a reed in his right hand. And kneeling before him, they mocked him, saying, “Hail, King of the Jews!” And they spit on him and took the reed and struck him on the head. And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the robe and put his own clothes on him and led him away to crucify him...And when they had crucified him, they divided his garments among them by casting lots. Then they sat down and kept watch over him there...And those who passed by derided him, wagging their heads and saying, “You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself! If you are the Son of God, come down from the cross.” So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, “He saved others; he cannot save himself. He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, ‘I am the Son of God.’” And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way.

I Corinthians 1 (select verses): "For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God....For since, in the wisdom of God, the world did not know God through wisdom, it pleased God through the folly of what we preach to save those who believe. For Jews demand signs and Greeks seek wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and folly to Gentiles, but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

Isaiah 53:3 "He was despised and rejected by men...and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not."

The picture above is commonly referred to as "Alexamenos Graffito", a drawing found in ancient Rome and believed to be one of the earliest depictions of Christ's crucifixion (see this link for more details).

This depiction is most often seen as a mockery of Christ as it depicts him with the head of an ass, being crucified. The inscription calls for the man, Alexamenos (the character on the left), to worship God. To this artist, Christ and his crucifixion and resurrection are folly. The first chapter of Paul's letter to the Corinthian church makes two observations. First, Jews in the time of Christ and the Apostles demanded a sign. Everywhere Jesus went during his earthly ministry, people wanted to see the amazing and spectacular, as though he was a traveling magician. Jesus condemned them by saying a wicked and perverse generation seek after signs. The Jews thought Christ would raise up an army and beat back the tide of the Roman Empire and bring Israel to dominance. When he failed to do so, instead claiming to be God, they thought he was a blasphemer and killed him. Conversely, the Gentiles, especially of the Corinthian stripe, prided themselves on their wisdom and knowledge. Sophists would travel from town to town, entertaining the masses with smooth words and well prepared argumentation. To both of these groups of people, Christ was a disappointment as he failed to deliver on their expectations of who they thought a Messiah should be. To them, Christ was the folly of all follies, a joke, foolishness.

In our day and time, there really is nothing new under the sun. There are still hoards of people who demand the spectacular, the signs and wonders, from God. To them, God will heals all their sicknesses, give them prosperity beyond imagination, and fulfill whatever destinies they dream up for themselves. To others, Christ is a foolish "drug" people have invented to cope with the harsh realities of life; a crutch of sorts. Religion is a power-play, an attempt to push a political or social agenda, using poor and antique arguments to do so. Today, Christ is just as much a folly as he was in the days of the Apostles. Today, Christ is still mocked and spit on.

It saddens me how often I make a mockery of Christ in my own life. It also troubles me how those who claim to be religious and pagans alike, make a mockery of God. It is interesting how in the entire story of redemptive history, God never selects the best-looking, strongest, oldest, financially stable, wisest, best educated people to accomplish his will. Think of people like Joseph, Moses, Rahab, Jeremiah, etc. Even Christ failed to measure up to others' views of what a Messiah should look and act like, yet, he fulfilled every prophecy about himself!

Am I a person who worships God or mocks him? What are you?

A Great Man Once Said...

During our current economic struggle, I find these words comforting, hopeful, and wish I heard them being believed and spoken today. It is almost scary how timely, almost prophetic these words are today.

Excerpts from President Ronald Reagan's First Inaugural Address.

"The business of our nation goes forward.

These United States are confronted with an economic affliction of great proportions. We suffer from the longest and one of the worst sustained inflations in our national history. It distorts our economic decisions, penalizes thrift, and crushes the struggling young and the fixed-income elderly alike. It threatens to shatter the lives of millions of our people. Idle industries have cast workers into unemployment, human misery and personal indignity.

Those who do work are denied a fair return for their labor by a tax system which penalizes successful achievement and keeps us from maintaining full productivity. But great as our tax burden is, it has not kept pace with public spending. For decades we have piled deficit upon deficit, mortgaging our future and our children’s future for the temporary convenience of the present. To continue this long trend is to guarantee tremendous social, cultural, political, and economic upheavals.

You and I, as individuals, can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but for only a limited period of time. Why then should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?

We must act today in order to preserve tomorrow. And let there be no misunderstanding -- we’re going to begin to act beginning today. The economic ills we suffer have come upon us over several decades. They will not go away in days, weeks, or months, but they will go away. They will go away because we as Americans have the capacity now, as we have had in the past, to do whatever needs to be done to preserve this last and greatest bastion of freedom.

In this present crisis, government is not the solution to our problem; government is the problem. From time to time we’ve been tempted to believe that society has become too complex to be managed by self-rule, that government by an elite group is superior to government for, by, and of the people. But if no one among us is capable of governing himself, then who among us has the capacity to govern someone else?

All of us together -- in and out of government -- must bear the burden. The solutions we seek must be equitable with no one group singled out to pay a higher price...

...With the idealism and fair play which are the core of our system and our strength, we can have a strong and prosperous America at peace with itself and the world. So as we begin, let us take inventory.

We are a nation that has a government -- not the other way around. And this makes us special among the nations of the earth. Our Government has no power except that granted it by the people. It is time to check and reverse the growth of government which shows signs of having grown beyond the consent of the governed.
It is my intention to curb the size and influence of the Federal establishment and to demand recognition of the distinction between the powers granted to the Federal Government and those reserved to the states or to the people.

All of us -- all of us need to be reminded that the Federal Government did not create the states; the states created the Federal Government.

Now, so there will be no misunderstanding, it’s not my intention to do away with government. It is rather to make it work -- work with us, not over us; to stand by our side, not ride on our back. Government can and must provide opportunity, not smother it; foster productivity, not stifle it. If we look to the answer as to why for so many years we achieved so much, prospered as no other people on earth, it was because here in this land we unleashed the energy and individual genius of man to a greater extent than has ever been done before.

Freedom and the dignity of the individual have been more available and assured here than in any other place on earth. The price for this freedom at times has been high, but we have never been unwilling to pay that price.

It is no coincidence that our present troubles parallel and are proportionate to the intervention and intrusion in our lives that result from unnecessary and excessive growth of Government.

It is time for us to realize that we are too great a nation to limit ourselves to small dreams. We're not, as some would have us believe, doomed to an inevitable decline. I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing...

...To paraphrase Winston Churchill, I did not take the oath I’ve just taken with the intention of presiding over the dissolution of the world’s strongest economy...

...It is time to reawaken this industrial giant, to get government back within its means, and to lighten our punitive tax burden. And these will be our first priorities, and on these principles there will be no compromise.

On the eve or our struggle for independence a man who might’ve been one of the greatest among the Founding Fathers, Dr. Joseph Warren, president of the Massachusetts Congress, said to his fellow Americans,

"Our country is in danger, but not to be despaired of. On you depend the fortunes of America. You are to decide the important question upon which rest the happiness and the liberty of millions yet unborn. Act worthy of yourselves."

Well I believe we, the Americans of today, are ready to act worthy of ourselves, ready to do what must be done to insure happiness and liberty for ourselves, our children, and our children’s children. And as we renew ourselves here in our own land, we will be seen as having greater strength throughout the world. We will again be the exemplar of freedom and a beacon of hope for those who do not now have freedom.

To those neighbors and allies who share our freedom, we will strengthen our historic ties and assure them of our support and firm commitment. We will match loyalty with loyalty. We will strive for mutually beneficial relations. We will not use our friendship to impose on their sovereignty, for our own sovereignty is not for sale.

As for the enemies of freedom, those who are potential adversaries, they will be reminded that peace is the highest aspiration of the American people. We will negotiate for it, sacrifice for it; we will not surrender for it -- now or ever. Our forbearance should never be misunderstood. Our reluctance for conflict should not be misjudged as a failure of will. When action is required to preserve our national security, we will act. We will maintain sufficient strength to prevail if need be, knowing that if we do so, we have the best chance of never having to use that strength.

Above all we must realize that no arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. It is a weapon our adversaries in today's world do not have. It is a weapon that we as Americans do have. Let that be understood by those who practice terrorism and prey upon their neighbors.

I am -- I'm told that tens of thousands of prayer meetings are being held on this day; and for that I am deeply grateful. We are a nation under God, and I believe God intended for us to be free. It would be fitting and good, I think, if on each inaugural day in future years it should be declared a day of prayer.
This is the first time in our history that this ceremony has been held, as you’ve been told, on this West Front of the Capitol.

Standing here, one faces a magnificent vista, opening up on this city’s special beauty and history. At the end of this open mall are those shrines to the giants on whose shoulders we stand. Directly in front of me, the monument to a monumental man. George Washington, father of our country. A man of humility who came to greatness reluctantly. He led America out of revolutionary victory into infant nationhood. Off to one side, the stately memorial to Thomas Jefferson. The Declaration of Independence flames with his eloquence. And then beyond the Reflecting Pool, the dignified columns of the Lincoln Memorial. Whoever would understand in his heart the meaning of America will find it in the life of Abraham Lincoln.

Beyond those moments -- those monuments to heroism is the Potomac River, and on the far shore the sloping hills of Arlington National Cemetery, with its row upon row of simple white markers bearing crosses or Stars of David. They add up to only a tiny fraction of the price that has been paid for our freedom.

The crisis we are facing today does not require of us the kind of sacrifice that ... so many thousands of others were called upon to make. It does require, however, our best effort, and our willingness to believe in ourselves and to believe in our capacity to perform great deeds; to believe that together with God’s help we can and will resolve the problems which now confront us.

And after all, why shouldn’t we believe that? We are Americans.

God bless you and thank you. Thank you very much."

Does It Matter?

From Dictionary.com:
the⋅ol⋅o⋅gy   
1. the field of study and analysis that treats of God and of God's attributes and relations to the universe; study of divine things or religious truth; divinity.

I feel like the question of the necessity of theology is everywhere present. I keep hearing things from people I know asking questions like, "What's the big deal with theology? Why is it so important? Why does it matter who's theology is right or wrong? Why can't we just love people?" This weekend seems as important as any to blog about the importance and necessity of theology.

A radio show Gretchen and I listen to has the tag line: "Know what you believe and why you believe it." Their purpose is to help folks like you and me understand the fundamental elements of the Gospel according to the Gospel. But it is important to point out that everyone believes something, that is to say, everyone has a theology. Everyone has an understanding about God, the universe, and humanity and Paul clearly states this in Romans 1. As humans beings, we are created with a capacity to know our Creator. However, because of sin, people rebel against and repress this knowledge. For example, a person may not believe in God, may not believe in the Bible as God's Word, in Christ, etc. but they still believe in something. They do have a theology about God: he doesn't exist in their mind and world. But they do have a theology. Everyone does. The question is: do they have a right or wrong theology?

When we as Christians engage unbelievers in conversations, hoping to lead them to Christ, we are involved in theological discussions as we are trying to convince them that their wrong theology is just that: wrong. It is usually clear when talking to an unbeliever that they have a wrong theology, a wrong understanding about God. This is why we evangelize to them by preaching the Gospel. However, many people who claim to be Christians also have a wrong theology which is much more tricky to discern. The Bible is chock full of people sitting around talking theology and arguing who's is correct or not. This is pretty much all Paul did during his ministry. Everywhere he went, Paul went about correcting people's theology. Every letter Paul writes, he writes to correct some misunderstanding people have about the Gospel and how is works itself out in the life of the believer. Think of Paul's major treatise, his letter to the Romans. Here he writes to Jews who think Gentiles are worthless and he chastises them by saying that their theology, their belief, their practice, is no better than the Gentiles. Then he spends 11 chapters outlining and correcting their theology. In nearly every letter Paul writes, he begins talking theology and spends the last (and usually smaller) portion applying it to life. Every sermon recorded in Acts is a lesson in theology to those (and us) hearing them. It's as though the disciples went around saying, "You folks need to know what you believe and why you believe it. What you believe is incorrect or incomplete. Let me correct your theology."



Some people think we need deeds, not creeds; we just need to love each other and the lost. That's it. Really? Why? Because it makes us and/or them feel good? True, we do need to show love and compassion and care for people. But why? What is our motivation for doing so? One word: theology. You love people based upon your understanding of the Gospel, because it is required of you and you are grateful to do so. If you're loving people to sow seeds to reap a reward or hoping God will bless you for doing so, you're wasting your time. Loving people and caring for their needs is done because Christ commands us to do so and we desire to be obedient to Him. I don't bless people hoping to receive a bigger and better reward (where is that in the Bible?), but I bless people because I wish to be obedient. In fact, I bless people and love people with no hope of reaping or rewarding because that completely undermines my motivation for doing so. If I'm loving people just to get a reward, am I really loving them or just out for my own gain? But nowhere in the Bible does it ever speak of anyone being "loved" into the Kingdom. Sure, people's needs were met, they were fed, healed, etc. but that's not what saved them. The Gospel saved them, their sins being forgiven saved them. Faith comes by hearing the Word, not someone being nice to you. Properly understanding things like our sin, our salvation and our gratitude should fuel our motivation for caring for others because we thankful to God, we serve our fellow man. Christ never promised earthly blessings for our good works, in fact, he promised us a life or struggle and hardship because we are called by His name. The Beatitudes are not a list of people who reached prosperity in their lifetime, but rather, people who knew their theology and were willing to suffer because of it. They were (and are) people who recognize that their reward is in heaven, not on this earth. I'm not against loving people, but I am against having no idea (or the wrong idea) of why to do so.

Theology matters because it serves to help us ask good questions and works to provide articulate answers. Some Christians don't even know the questions to ask, while others give inarticulate answers. In both cases, people don't really know what they believe and are not sure why they believe it. They're simply content to live in ignorance and lukewarm faith. They'll argue that we just need to love people and that's it. And all the while the road they travel is getting warmer.

This Easter weekend presents a wonderful way to share the the Gospel and a great opportunity to express and understand theology. The empty tomb is one of the great opportunities to rationally and logical prove the existence, death, and resurrection of Christ. If there was ever a theological debate, the resurrection is it. Throughout history people have debated the reality of an empty tomb. There are plenty of examples of people believing all sorts of weird theological things regarding the resurrection in the Bible and the bad theology continues to this day. Paul in I Corinthians 15 (one of my favorite passages) goes to great lengths to argue theology by explaining how having a proper and correct view of the resurrection is really necessary. Verse 14: "And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is in vain and your faith is in vain." He goes on to argue that if there is no resurrection, that is to say, if we have bad theology, then we are of all men most to be pitied. Why? Because if our theology of the cross and empty tomb are not correct, we believe in a powerless Christ who did not save us from our sin and when we die for our faulty belief, we ought to be pitied for believing a lie. However, if we believe that there is a bodily resurrection of the dead, that Christ actually and physically rose from the dead, then we can be assured that he has conquered death and the promises we're given about spending eternity with him will come true.

Theology matters because the way we understand and interpret the Bible matters. If we have a wrong theology, we live only for this life and we are to be pitied more than all men.

Totaled

"Totaled." A word with many meanings. Right now, it most likely describes my car, a trusty 1999 Chevrolet Malibu after I nailed a sweet older woman because I ran a red light. The light was changing from yellow to red and my stopping distance was too short. She was making a left turn and I hit her in the driver's side front quarter panel (by the tire). Thankfully, no one was injured and I was driving alone. Scary to think of this happening at another time or place. I readily admitted fault and I think it led to a softening of the blow in my ticket (thank you, officer!). But man, do I feel guilty!

Totaled also describes my emotional state. I got four hours of sleep Tuesday night/Wednesday morning due to a mid term exam in biology. We chose not to chance having Isaac spend time with his sick cousin, so Gretchen's day was shot. Then my accident. Enough already! Nope. Then I found out at work that our second shift hours are switching from 3p-1:30a to 11a-9:30p. Not good with classes from 11-2. Really not good.

I feel horrible: lack of sleep, shmucking up someone else's vehicle, and being at the hand's of my employer. I'm trying hard to be a husband, father, employee, student but feel like I've completely failed in every role today. Some were my fault, others were not. I feel like I've really let my wife down, and my son, though he's still not really comprehending the "big picture" yet. I know my wife supports me and will say kind words of encouragement (that will make me feel more guilty because I don't deserve her kindness!), and on the inside be a little pissed off, angry, and hurt by my irresponsibility. I need my wife, I love my wife, and I'm sorry I've let her down.

I guess when I get to the point where I trust my own strength and lean on my own understanding, God takes away my transportation and stirs up my already tight schedule and asks, "Now what are you going to do? You can't fix it, only I can. Man's game." I feel like I've gotten a holy manual buzzer; I got run, flamed out. Now I really need a righteous quad "yeah" and Yakety Sax to cheer me up. Allegedly. [not making sense? see previous post about living in my world for a week. listen to jim rome on am 1340 noon-3p and this will make way more sense. well, joe gets it anyway.] Not that I see God as being vengeful (though that feeling is currently lurking around every corner), but more trying to teach stubborn me very clear and direct lessons.

When it rains, it pours. I'm getting soaked.